I’m pretty sure that everyone lies. I think I lied today, but I don’t remember. If I did, it wasn’t a big lie that I would remember. I probably told one of those lies that I tell everyone, and I’ve told it so much that I think it’s the truth. Like that I’m allergic to seafood. I had a reaction once when I was in high school, and it freaked me out. So I stopped eating it. And I just assumed I was allergic. So I just started telling people I was allergic, but I don’t really know if I am. It might have been a one-time thing, like that one time when I was 18, and I dirty danced with a guy at a club in Pensacola. I never did get his name. I think he was cute, but I don’t remember because I was underage drinking. I do know that he was (well, I suppose he still is) black and short.
Today I realized something – we’re always disappointing people. And then I realized that I have to STOP worrying about disappointing everyone with my life. I mean, I do things that some people call “sin,” and other people do things that I call “sin.” Like this blog post; someone somewhere who loves me very much is going to pray for me and my salvation because of this post. And, because I love that person so much, I’ll be over here praying for his or her salvation. It’s actually funny, not in the “haha” sort of way, but in a “huh, that is interesting” kind of way. I wish English had a word for that. Better yet, I wish that I knew what that word was in English.
As I was driving home from work today, I thought about how I had been in total survival mode lately. Everything I am doing now is all about protection. I want to protect my body, my heart, my sanity. It’s all very normal and animal-istic, so I suppose I shouldn’t worry about it too much. See, first I was thinking about how nice it would be to be an ant because I wouldn’t have to deal with emotions and logic and the fight between emotions and logic. But then I realized that both emotions and logic are just defense mechanisms; they are a part of our survival toolkit. And I realized that emotions and logic are what made me like an ant because an ant’s entire life is about survival, and emotions and logic are what help us to survive. I mean, when I get angry it’s mostly because I’m trying to protect myself from something – rejection or hurt or fear or stress. Anyways, so then I realized that I am already an ant and that I don’t really enjoy being an ant – I’d rather be a human. And the best part of being a human is that we have the choice to un-protect ourselves and break free of that natural “survival mode.” Like I can choose to take off all of my clothes in below freezing weather and jump into a swimming pool. I have the choice to just open myself up completely and be totally vulnerable and tell the world all of flaws. Animals can’t do that. So I thought to myself that all I really want to do is jump into a freezing lake completely naked and then get a loudspeaker that can be heard over the whole world and confess all of my fears and shortcomings to every single person (I’d hire several translators.) And then I’d be totally human and not at all like an animal. What I actually did was bought take-out Chinese food and ate it on my couch fully dressed in a heated apartment in complete silence. Isn’t that the way it always goes?