Erasing

So, today I had to go through all my old emails looking for my UF Id code that I haven’t used in almost 4 years. I don’t remember it, and I thought that maybe I had this inspired idea when I was 21 years old and a recent graduate to record it somewhere in case I needed it again. Unfortunately, I had no such idea, and I just ended up going through piles and piles of old emails, many of them from my ex.

After a little while, I got all annoyed at these emails, so I started erasing them. I mean, his sweet words meant so much to me when we were together, but they don’t mean much to me now, right? So, I began erasing and erasing and erasing. After about 5 minutes of erasing, I realized that I had over 100 pages of messages to still erase. 100 PAGES. It was at that moment I realized that I cannot erase all of his emails. It would be entirely too time consuming. I stopped.

This led me a few moments of deeper reflections that resulted in this conclusion: as much as I would like to erase all the sweet words he spoke and all the feelings I had and all the tears I cried over him, as much as I would like to erase our entire relationship and the pain that its end caused me, I cannot. And erasing it would be quite silly, wouldn’t it? I mean, it happened. And there were so many moments, days, weeks that were perfectly wonderful. There were times when I was sublimely happy and I felt completely loved and happy and whole.

Now, after the relationship ended, I went through several months of sadness and pain and anger and grief. It wasn’t cute. There were a lot of tears and a lot of sleepness nights. In fact, I still tear up sometimes when I talk about him because I cared about him that deeply, and in a lot of ways I still do. And the pain sucks. Straight up. The fear of going through a break-up again also sucks. The cautiousness with which I now trust my heart to others sucks too. When I think about our relationship in those terms, I want to erase it. I want to get into a traumatic accident and forget just the past two years of my life, like that movie with Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum.

But I go back to paragraph 3 – I remember what our relationship taught me about myself and him and others and God and love and beauty. I remember that he is not a bad person; he’s just a person who isn’t meant to be with me. And that can make me feel a little sad because I care about him, but it makes me more happy than sad because now we’re free to be with the right person.

Yes, our relationship gave me some insecurities and some apprehension about other potential romances. But it gave me more good things than it gave me bad things. And even if it gave me more bad things than good things, I still believe that it happened for a reason and that I am better because of it. So, I guess that I will stop erasing it.

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